Seeing that this war is leaderless I’ve decided to step up to the plate and take charge since no one else seems to be doing it. I mean, I listen to Sarah Palin rail against the war but she never mentions the people leading it so now there’s a name she can use - mine.
Our First official act will be to infuse the holiday with pagan symbols such as decorated evergreen trees and yule logs, to bring back the sun, kissing under mistletoe to ensure fertility and holly berries because our pagan Gods need to be fed.
Our Second act will be to encourage massive spending on expensive gifts because Jesus’ family was poor and this is an appropriate way to remind ourselves of his humble beginnings.
Our Third act will be to encourage businesses and companies to hold large, alcohol fueled parties so that people, upon leaving, won’t know - or care - if it’s December or March or that there was a baby in a shed in Israel.
Our Fourth act will be to ensure there is a time on Christmas day to inculcate uncontrolled greed in our children by tempting them to avoid religious obligations and contemplation by presenting them with gaily wrapped gifts and later, a massive family dinner surrounding a ham because Jesus ate pork.
That’s enough for now. You’ve got your orders! Go out there and take Christ out of Christmas!
My Christmas Tree is a hemlock in a small grove with other hemlocks atop a rock outcrop surrounded on three sides by a wetland. It has live birds and squirrels and deer shelter under it when it snows. When the sun shines on it the icicles glimmer with silver and gold and when it’s a little warmer, a million rainbows radiate from its branches.